…or twice, or thrice, or…
Kuvasei has sworn off her studies of demonology… for now. She tells me it’s for good, but I have my doubts. She told me she’d sworn off Sejia, as well, and not a week later she’d arranged a social ambush for me with the express objective of getting me to change my mind about the bitch. She is fond of finding (or more often imagining) loopholes in decisions that she does not like… and I grow weary of feeling that I cannot trust her. But she has not proved herself trustworthy, and every time she disappoints me I blame myself more for giving her the opportunity.
She told me she was convinced to make a clean break when she saw me walking out the door of her apartment and realized that I was on the verge of walking out of her life. She told me this as though I should be touched, my heart should be warmed that it was her love for me that convinced her not to continue on a self-harmful course. My heart ached, instead. That’s what it took? Not my mere displeasure? Not my tears and pleading? Not getting sucked into a nether realm, and her aunt with her? It took me reaching the end of my rope and threatening to leave, the thing I’ve promised her again and again I would never do, for her to do the right thing?
I hope she will keep her promise, and leave off her studies. But what if she doesn’t? Or what if she finds some other new and sparkly form of self-harm in which to indulge? I can’t, and won’t, threaten to abandon her every time she goes down the wrong path. But there she has told me outright that nothing else is meaningful to her. I could talk myself blue in the face to explain to her why it’s wrong, but until I turn my back on her she won’t care. Hell, she still hasn’t expressed to me that she understands why she needed to stop; only that she was willing to do anything to keep me there. Blind desperation. She hasn’t learned. She won’t learn. And I can’t keep doing that.
Westel believes I should leave her to her fate. Liealia as well. And were the consequences any less dire than the loss of Kuvasei’s life and her very soul then I should be inclined to do just that. I did not interfere with her association with Black Oak until her health was put at risk. But I can’t just let her go… and every time I catch her, I feel that their esteem for me lessens slightly. Were our positions reversed, I can’t say I’d feel differently.